The Weekend From Hell

This weekend just gets worse by the second.  I will limit myself to the latest.

     In light of what I have just seen I have pretty much given up all hope for the future.  I think I have seen a clear indication that we have reached a point where the idiots have won.  The fight is lost and it just isn’t worth fighting any more.  It’s time for all sane people to just find a nice comfortable place to way for the end.

     I’m watching this lecture from Harvard.  These are in theory-reasonable intelligent people.  It’s some kind of thing-Harvard justice on line or some such crap.  point is they are arguing about Libertarianism.  The place is filled OF COURSE with hundred of liberal hippie duche bags and about five or six people who say they are libertarians.

     NONE of them can make a rational reasonable argument for ANYTHING.  Absolutely no common sense anywhere in any of their arguments.  The libertarians-who happen to be right have no clue how to back up their arguments.  They can’t give cohesive facts to back them up to save their lives.

     Both sides are a band of babbling fools.  The people who are right( but probably don’t understand why-at least they can’t manage to tell anybody else why) are outnumbered by something like two hundred to one.

     This is friggin Harvard for Christ sake and it looks more like Jay Leno’s Jaywalking.

     This is the world we live in.  And hardly anyone seems to give a rat’s ass.  Worse than that the people who do care or at least claim to are a bunch of babbling fools.

     I see this shit and a thousand things just as bad and I can’t imagine how things will ever get better.

     The say one person can make a difference, but it isn’t true.  It take one person + a world or at least a part of a world that will listen to that one voice.  And no one what’s to hear that YOU DON”T have a RIGHT to health care-you just don’t.  You don’t have a right to a job, only the opportunity for a job.  You don’t have a right to make the government and tax payers responsible for ever mistake and bad choice you ever made in your life.

     This country is a pathetic shadow of the country it should and could be and it’s getting worse by the second and I …fuck it, what’s the point.  And that is my point the sane people have already lost.  I’m just so tired of fighting a losing battle,  tired of trying to convince myself so one is even listening.


Face Book

     It’s like the world, only bite sized so it fits on a little screen in your home so you don’t actually have to go out.  Those smart-ass 50’s S.F. writers didn’t see that coming did they.  Screw domes, we found a way to put the world in a little box in your bedrooms.
     I wonder if there might be something a little scary about all this-like Fantastic Journey only the whole world instead of a little micro sub.  Wonder how many people get that reference?  Probably wonder way too much.  
    I suppose that applies to the internet in general, but it only really hit me when I did this-F.B. thing almost by accident and people I haven’t seen in like a billion years started popping up like mushrooms in a dark basement lab run by a mad genius.

    So now I’m wondering if it’s a good thing or a bad thing?

    Does it matter?  It’ll probably be both, pretty much everything is once enough people get a hold of it.

    Probably wondering too much again…or not enough, it’s hard to tell.

Dark Visions update

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Computers are Evil (and why books are a really neat Idea)


Don’t let them fool you.  Computers are not your friends.  They hate you and are secretly plotting to make your life harder than it needs to be.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Trying to post links for some really damn fine people-writers one and all and you should be reading them.  None of them are rich…and that’s a bad thing and let me tell you why.  Not because they are very talented and deserve the money although that also is true, the real reason it’s bad for people as a whole is because it means some damn fine writting is not finding the audience level it deserves.

I don’t begrudge guys like Stephen King the money they make, or any of the Best Sellers, a lot of them deserve it.  The thing that bugs the crap outta me is that too many people read the Best Sellers or one or two favorites and that’s it.  And for more reasons than I have time or space to list that’s a bad thing and I swear to you the world is a lesser place for it.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying the word is a lesser place just because you may not read the same writers I do or because you’re not reading the things my friends write.  The problem is that good books are about good ideas and good communication, about making you think about what’s good and what’s bad in the world and a couple ideas  about why that might be so.

There is a lot of evil in this world.  I’ve seen enough of it, smelled the stench of it and washed the bitter taste from my mouth enough to know that’s an absolute fact.  But, it isn’t the evil that’ll be the undoing of civilazation, it’s the apathy.  The laziness of the people who just can be bothed to give a crap and do something, anything, just a little bit about what’s wrong in the world around them.

In my experiance the more people read and think, the more they read the works of people who care, who give a rats ass about the world we live in and the world our generations children will live in the more they care themselves and maybe, just maybe that’s the first step in the right direction to making this a better world.

These are some of those people…

You could do a lot worse with your time than read some of what they’ve got to say and if you’ve read this far it’s a safe bet you have sometime to kill.

The people who said the pen is mightier than the sword knew what the hell they were talking about.

Don’t get me wrong I’m a US Army vet and I’d go back in half a heartbeat if they’d take me and I could still do the job as well as it needs to be done.  We need the sword, but what we need it to do is to protect the words and ideas set down with the pen.  The sword never-EVER made the world a better place.

Try a few new ideas and when your done try a few more.  You’ll find a few you like I’m sure of it.  And if you do it long enough you might have a few brand new ones of your own and that all by itself will make the world just a little bit better.

Every good thing in the world started with an idea.  You can never have too many of the good ones.

Been a long day gonna shut up now and see about some sleep.






Currently reading :
Prodigal Blues
By Gary A. Braunbeck

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

7.62 Happiness
Current mood: tired


Busy couple of months.  Along with my newly aquired statis as an 80% disable Army Vet comes new diggs…actually a return to an old place.  I’m spending the summer cat sitting for a friend who is deploying next Sunday.  One of the many upsides of which in being surrounded by tons of fun things that go BOOM!  Got to test fire the new Rock River Arms 7.62 LAR 8 sniper rifle.  There was also a crank fire Browning 30 Cal. along with the usual suspects; M-4’s, AR-15s and assorted pistols.  Sometimes life is good.  Very good.

And now it’s back to the grind of trying to turn out some decent new stories and hopeing somebody gives a shit which judging from the complaints I occassionally get about not writting enough shouldn’t be an issue.  Well see.




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Saturday, March 29, 2008

Current mood: tired
Category: Writing and Poetry




Words have power, power to build, power to destroy.



What are the words that chill your blood, goose your flesh, raise the hair on the back of your neck?



Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words…words have meaning.  Words are ideas.  Words build the world.  Words light the way.  They are everlasting and shape the very fabric of the universe.



Words are thoughts.  Words are good and evil, sinners and saints, black and white, gods and devils and everything in-between.  They are as limitless as the minds of six billion people, all the people who came before them and all the people who Come after.



Nazi Nigger Jew Christian Muslim Heretic Witch Jihad Crusade



Some words have blood on there hands that can never be washed away


Words have emotions.  Words kill.



Love Hate Guilty Innocent Freedom Salvation



Words save.  Words condemn.  Words start wars and fire the minds of mankind to reach beyond the stars.



Words are precious and dangerous and some words once spoken can never be taken back.  They haunt the world like the rays of light from a dying sun reaching out across the heavens to cast shadows over the soul of the world. 



What are the words that haunt you in the darkest hours of the night?  A slip of the tongue that cuts like a razor honed on the pain of a thousand innocent souls.  Words matter.  Words make us what me are.



Traitor Bully Informant Enemy Ally Friend Foe



Be careful, not all words are friendly; some can bite and make no mistake some can and do harm.


Currently reading :
Dangerous Red
By Mehitobel Wilson
Release date: August, 2003

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Thoughts On Writting
Current mood: contemplative


And now for something completely different.


I’ve spent more than my share of time thinking about writing, probably way too much time thinking about it and not near enough time doing it but that’s a whole other can of worms I’m not gonna open right now.  What I am going to do is share a few of those thoughts on the off chase that they might strike someone as helpful or at least give you something to think about.


For instance-has it occurred to anyone else that the story of the death of Christ and the death of King Arthur are the same story?  And no as a matter of fact I have NOT seen The Passion of the Christ way too many times. 

     First let me back up just a little and mention what lead to this thought.  I have more story ideas and story beginning in my head than any 40 people could write in a life time.  I believe it was Mr. Cooper that said once, “story ideas are a dime a dozen.  Really good ones are a nickel a piece.”  Something along those lines and it couldn’t be truer.  “Where do you get your ideas?” has got to be one of the all time silliest questions a would be writer can ever ask.  If you don’t know the only question you should be asking is where can I get an ambition I actually have an aptitude for.  If coming up with an idea is a problem, you’re not only barking at the wrong tree, you’re in the wrong forest on the wrong continent.  Ideas are the easiest part.  So ideas are not a problem beginnings are not a problem, but something is still wrong.  It just isn’t coming together and I couldn’t see the heart of the story.  Because the heart of the story isn’t in the beginning, it’s in the end which gets me thinking about endings and now we’re back to the similarities between Christ and King Arthur.  King Arthur represents a kind of honor and chivalry that the people around him couldn’t or wouldn’t live up to.  He gets betrayed buy his wife and best friend and killed by his bastard son, but instead of just dying like most people he gets carted off to a island from which he will some day return-because King Arthur isn’t just any other guy he represents an Idea, the idea of a time and place that’s better then the one they where in, and so they killed him.  But they couldn’t kill the idea.  Starting to see the similarities now? 


These are the kinds of strange things that float around and get stuck in the cob webs of my mental attic.  Is it any wonder this place isn’t more popular.


What else was rattling around in there?  Star Trek 2 for instance. In the end being the conflict Not between Kahn and Kirk, but the clash of ideals between Kahn and Spook.  Kahn representing the idea of someone who will sacrifice everyone and everything for his revenge VS Spook who represents sacrificing yourself to save everyone else.  The question what are you willing to sacrifice and what for.  Orson Scott Card brought up the fact that Darth Vader was the primary character in the original Star Wars movies because everything everyone else did was a reaction to what he did.  That was actually a decent book, part of the writers digest series on fiction writing.  Of course the most valuable thing any writer can ever do is read.  Read whatever you can get your hands on and not just the kind of things you want to write.  I think that’s one of the biggest mistakes I see people who want to write make is only reading things they like and only of the type they want to write which kills the gene pool in the exact same way incest does.  Don’t just read what other people have already done in the area you want to explore but from a dozen other places as well.  The goal should be to bring in something new to the neighborhood and you can’t do that if you never leave the neighborhood.  And don’t just read good stuff.  Sometimes you learn more from reading something bad.  Again, the idea is to see what other people are doing right so you can try to put more of whatever that is in what you write And to see what other people do wrong so you can keep that out of what you write.  In order to keep the bad stuff out you have to know it when you see it and at best understand it.  If your reading it, no matter how much you know it sucks, somebody somewhere thought it was good.  In most cases good enough to publish.  If you can understand why, it can actually do a lot to help you better your own writing.  It’s like having conversations.  Having a conversation with people who think like you do and like the things you do and hate the same things you do can be worth wild but it’s never as worth wild as a conversation with the people who don’t agree with you like what you like see things the way you see them.  You always learn more from the people and things that are different, the ideas that challenge you.


The biggest obstacle I have to writing more is frankly laziness and the constant battle with depression-mostly the laziness; the depression can at times actually be surprisingly helpful in a twisted sort of way.


The biggest obstacle to writing BETTER is lack of intellectual challenge.  Passion drives all great writing.  And nothing fires passion more than challenge.


I got in to a rather heated argument with a dude once who insisted that Edgar Allen Poe wrote only for money.  His theory was that it was drink that drove Poe to write for money.  Sad, sad muther fucker…and he wants to be a writer.  He might do it…maybe but he’ll never be great probably never even good.  Anyone who knows Poe and knows writing should understand the crazy shit that was in his head, weather he knew it or not Poe wrote to get that shit out of his head and he drank because he couldn’t write fast enough.  That’s another really important thing about really good writers, they tend not to run from their demons…they tend to embrace them.  And it’s killed more than a few.  Writing on that razors edge can be dangerous, but passions usually are.


Harlan Ellison once said something along the lines of-writers aren’t people who choose to write, they’re they people who can’t choose not to.


Good writers are filled with passionate words and ideas.  Good writing is the act of catching those words and ideas and trapping them on paper.


It’s like this-a writer stares off into an empty sky and turns to the stranger next to him and asks, “Can you see the mountain?  It’s beautiful.”  The stranger says, “No.”  So the writer replies, “let me show it to you,” and begins to write.   


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Saturday, January 05, 2008



Good bye 2007, good riddance.  2007 can pretty much kiss my ass ‘Cause huge fucking gobs of it sucked my ass royally.


I try to be hopeful I really do swear to god but What The Fuck?  I look around at the world and I just want to put a bullet in some bodies head.  Some times mine, sometimes somebody else’s. 


Let’s take writing for an example.  Is it really that fucking hard for Christ sake?  I have never thought of myself as a person who could judge his own talent assuming I have any but people I have a lot of respect have told me I’m not wasting my time with the things I write and have said some pretty complimentary things about my writing from time to time so I defer to them an accept that I am at least competent-so how fucking hard can it be.


First of I’ll start with a couple things that are supposed to be good,  people I know and trust swear they are good.  So somebody please for Christ sake explain it to me because I don’t get it.


24…WHAT THE FUCK?  Maybe I missed something.  OK it’s shiny and kind of exciting in a well ok that was really stupid but I’ll try hard not to thing about it kind of way, but how you’d call it well written I really don’t know.  Somebody please explain. And no that’s not rhetorical I really wish someone would tell me because I dragged my self kicking and screaming though Season one and I’m still looking for the well written part.  They made a really interesting gimmick work reasonably well, but is that really what the world needs more of?


CSI  Oh my god what a piece of dog crap!  If you thing it’s good-I’m sorry, really I am but are you kidding.  Seems like every week it’s another preview of some main character being in mortal danger-oh come on!  These gutless mutherfuckers are never gonna do anything that brave.  They’re too afraid they might loose one fan or a nickel in profit and these people will NEVER, EVER let good story telling get in the way of makin’ a buck.


See this is what makes me so sad.  There are people out there so clueless they thing a business-any business exists to make money.  Unless you’re a bank that’s absoulute BULL SHIT.  Ok before the one or two who wandered in go screaming for the exits-Yes I understand businesses have to make a profit.  I get that, I really do, but that is not there soul purpose.  Their Purpose is to provide goods and or services to the consumers who pay the fucking bills.  I’m also not saying the customer is always right that’s just as bad, but a business has a moral and ethical responsibility to at least make an effort to give the consumer something good or at least decent and when these greedy mother fuckers become more concerned with making a penny extra profit a year that at least trying to give the consumer something worth wild they all deserve to rot in economic hell.


Lost  another show I’ve been told is good-by people who should know!  So I watch this thing.  Plane pretty much the opening scene- plane crashes everyone is stranded on the beach.  Big jet engine on the beach…running sucking things-people into it…


THERE”S NO FUCKING WING!!!  Where’s the fucking gas that running the god damn thing!  Sittin there on the beach all dramatic and shit, BUT IT”S GOT NO GAS.  LAST I CHECKED ENGINES DON”T RUN WITHOUT GAS.  WHAT THE FUCK? 


It’s the first scene and I already what to hurl a brink though the TV.  Please some one explain it to me.  How is this good writing. 


I’m I being to hard on them, I don’t know but I don’t think so.  When did our expectations get so low?


OK Hollywood has always had a love hate relationship with reality.  Pick pretty much any action movie and you can always nit pick, things like hey dude that pistol doesn’t hold as many rounds as you just shoot and by the way the sound it’s making is from a belt feed machine gun- I swear to god I’ve seen and heard it a pistol making the sound of a belt feed 50 caliber machine gun-for fuck’s sake, but you can over look a few things that most people won’t notice if they give you a story that good enough to distract you from the little shit.


Enough TV, spend a couple bucks see a movie or dvd.


Aliens vs Predator…I don’t think I’m spoiling much if I saw this, if you love the predator and think it’s the most awesome monster ever, think it could take on Godzilla with one hand tied behind it’s back.  Go enjoy have a nice time.  You  like or even have any respect for the Aliens, well just be warned the guy who made the movie doesn’t he is very much in category number 1, it’s pretty, but don’t think too much.  Going stoned or drunk might help.


Least you think I hate everything coming out this year-NOT SO!  Sweeney Todd was very nicely done, pretty much one of the only two saving graces of my holiday, just about a perfect movie going experience in my book.  Which well give you some idea what to expect if you ever wander back this way.


The other great moment of the holiday Was SAW 4.  See this is what I think good story telling should be like, the more you think about it the better it gets.  These people actually sat down and thought about what the fuck they where doing and after 4 movies it just keeps going strong if not getting stronger I have absolutely no complaints here and as you can probably tell that ain’t so easy to do.


OK enough of what was wrong with 2007 for the time mostly that was just a little taste of what’s in the back of my head get back in the habit of writing, blow off some steam and what not.  If there’s any body left in the audience I’ll be back when ever…maybe with something good to say about something, but don’t count on it.  I’m getting old and grumpy and my tolerance is low so it may just be warnings about how not to step in more crap than you need to in 2008.  Feel free to comment just remember just remember It was free I’m not one of the greedy fuckers trying to take your money for nothin’  Just think you could have been in the agonizing hell of a Will Farrell movie.  At least I spared you that.




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Diary of a madman


Well, the holidays are over-thank god, any god…chthulu maybe.  Holidays are fine if you have friends and family around- if your and insider.  If you are an outsider it’s an absolute shit hole time of year when you get reminded how empty your life is and…well you probably get the point.  That’s not what the story is about any way.  It’s about how easy it is to become an outsider without even knowing it and how much it sucks.  If you have a choice, and most do if you are careful and pay attention, I do not recommend it.


See here’s the deal.  Home isn’t just a place, it’s your inner circle, that place where you are always welcome and surrounded by friends and or family.  Unless you’re a total sociopath most people have an inner circle.  It’s like a special club membership you have and in that club you will always be a VIP, you will always be one of US and never one of THEM.  It’s the people you spend Birthdays and holidays and special occasions with…and without them those special people life has a very special kind of hell on earth emptiness.


Let me tell you what a happy birthday ISN”T.  It isn’t sitting alone in the cold in the utility shed of a closed down restaurant with a little ..:square of Red Velvet cake you bought at a gas station for a dollar and a match for a candle.  Trust me I know it’s nowhere near as fun as it sounds.  Maybe you think this is about whining- it isn’t.  It’s a warning.  I woke up one day and learned a valuable lesson about home, and holidays, and being an outsider in a world full of inner circles.  I saw some pictures of some friends on the internet.  Good friends, stand by you when it matters friends people of the finest kind.  The thing is they were pictures of the inner circle.  A circle I will never be a part of.  That’s not a complaint, just a statement of fact.  Being part of the inner circle is something you have to earn, something you have to deserve and I’m not that guy.


Once upon a time there was a group of people and with those people I thought I was a insider.  I thought these are the people I will be friends with my whole life, with these people I will always be one of US never one of THEM.  These are the people who make home-HOME.  Then I fucked it up.  I wish I could tell you how, I honest to god don’t know.  I would have killed or died for those people without question.  They were the people I grew up with, the people I could always count on, family in way that’s deeper than blood-Family by choice.  I asked another dude I know what happened and he said-you wore out your welcome.  If you have no idea what that’s like, again trust me when I tell you, you don’t want to.  It doesn’t get much worse than that.  You see once you get black balled from your inner circle nothing in life will ever be the same.  They are the people you celebrate victories with, the people who stand by you in defeat, keep you on your feet when you stumble and help guide you back to the lighted path when you get lost in the crowd.  And loosing them can be easier than you think.  I’m really not sure how I did it.  Broke a rule, forgot to pay the dues…something.  The truth is it doesn’t matter.  I wasn’t careful.  I wasn’t paying attention and one day I realized I’d lost something I could never get back and I would forever be an outsider looking in.


That’s what the story is about.  Being an outsider is not as glamorous as some might make it sound.  It sucks, every victory a little bit less every failure a little bit harder to overcome.


I learned a lot of lessons in the Army some of them I learned too late.


This is one of the most important, more important than religion or politics, the one rule you should never ever forget.


You take care of the people who take care of you.  The Army’s way of saying it is never leave a fallen comrade, but it means the same thing.


TAKE CARE OF THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE CARE OF YOU.  Because with out them, whoever they are you will never be the same.  Trust me when I tell you…that’s not a good thing.




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Monday, December 10, 2007

The 11-shot 358 Magnum pointed at my head
Current mood: bullied
Category: Writing and Poetry


OK, well things are nowhere near as bad as they could be these days.  Things are proceeding with VA, which is currently turning the cheek that does not have its head up it’s ass in my direction so that’s helpfulEverything has an upside and everything-YES EVERYTHING has a downside don’t make me prove it.  The down side of feeling better having a roof over my head for the moment and not wondering if I’ll be eating this week is that it becomes harder to ignore the small handful of people who say I don’t write enough.

Yes believe it or not there are such people, and yes as a matter of fact one or two of them are sane thank you very much. 

It’s a vicious cycle.  Very few people read the things I write.  However a shocking percentage of the people who have read the fiction in particular have found it…and yes it makes me shiver too…rather entertaining.  My lazy ass response is generally something along the lines of-“Nobody-well hardly anybody-reads this crazy ass shit.  And the all too often reply is that I don’t write enough and don’t put the things I do write in front of a big enough audience.  Life would be a lot simpler if I could just tell them they were all full of shit and go back to bed.  Sadly I have way to much respect for these people and I make mistake number 2.  I read…and get pissed off.  Certain things I know-honest to gods (all of them)-water is wet, politics are fucked, the world is not perfect…AND A FUCKING CLIP AND A MAGAZINE ARE NOT THE SAME GOD DAMN FUCKING THING!  A 38spl does NOT hold nine rounds!  You can put a 38 round in a 357 but you can not put a 357 into a 38 because the cylinder is too short, and you can NOT remove the sight on an Army Issue M16-A-1-IT’S PART OF THE FUCKING BARREL, if it gets fucked the barrel is fucked and you get a new barrel.  Trust me I did this shit for a living.  Wish like hell I was still doing it, but that is neither here nor there.  Some people who don’t know guns are a little lost right now-sorry.  My point is there are some people out there getting paid in some cases a hell of a lot of money to write shit and a bunch of them couldn’t write their way out of a piss wet paper bag.  It costs about 13 bucks to get a book called the shooter’s bible and NEVER make the stupid dumb ass gun mistakes I read every day.  Fine gun mistakes MAY not be the end of the world but that’s not the only shit they fuck up.  And sadly I only get to say I can do better than that and not look like a jack ass is if I get off my lazy ass and -do better than that.  Some days life sucks so much I just hate getting out of bed…I hate looking like I jack ass more and I will NOT just keep my mouth shut and let some of these poorly trained monkeys spew this mistake riddled poorly written, poorly thought out(if thought out at all) literary dogshit at a defenseless reading public unchallenged.  And that is the 11-shot 358 magnum pointed at my head forcing me to do what folks much wiser than myself have been suggesting I do-Write more.

They have only themselves to blame.






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Sunday, December 09, 2007

Things that’ll drive you to mass murder
Current mood: infuriated
Category: thinking about eating bill bellacraps spleen on to Goals, Plans, Hopes


I now know why some people are driven up into clock towers with high powered rifles and to machine gun people at the local mall or where the fuck ever.


I am so fucking sick of the New England Fucking Patriots.  How fucking hard is it to lose a fucking football game for christ sake.  You know I wouldn’t be half this pissed but after that rotten piece of shit bellacrap snubbed Coach Dungy after winning a game-WINNING for christ sake being a poor looser is one thing but a poor fucking winner!  Shake the mutherfucker’s hand you loosey piece of dogshit.  I’ve met some of these guys(the Colts) working downtown Indianapolis and fuck the football-they are some of the nicest, finest people you’d ever want to meet and they deserve a BIT more respect from this sorry ass piece of crap.  Fuck beating the bastards I want that son of a bitches head on a fucking plate served up with green eggs and spam and then a want to walk around downtown Indy with his sore winner head rotting on a rusty spike after the Colts win the 2007 SuberBowl.

Loosing is not that fucking hard you assholes just ask the fucking Miami Dolphins.

And the next sorry ass muther fucker who mentions Marie fucking Osmand I’m loading up a shotgun sharpening up my machette and takin a fucking field trip.  And I might just stop in New England when I do.

Other than that things are looking up.







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Monday, August 13, 2007

Homeless again


Well these are about to become very few and far between I think.  Inspite of the very best efforts of a lot of people time and money have indeed run out and in a few hours I will start my latest run of homelessness.  No idea how long this one will be but it’s gonna be a pretty bad run this time.  I’ve done this before and got through ok but usually I have at least some money on hand or coming in.  Not this time.  Unless the VA dude comes up with something real quick…let’s just say I’m in for some rough weather and leave it at that.  Will get back to this when I can.

For those following the saga, I think it’s just Coop but in case it isn’t take care, I’ll be back when I’m back.



Never Give Never Quit Never Stop. Ever!

Well…I fucked up.  I should have tried to get a hold of that dude on Thursday.  I missed him on Friday so now I pretty much come to the part where it get’s worse before it gets better because Sunday night/Monday morning I pretty much lose contact with the outside world.  No phone, no internet, cell phones turned off so…

I’m sure he has stuff in the works but he will not be able to get a hold of me.

The more I think about it the more I think I probably deserve it.  I swore an oath to my country and I didn’t live up to it.  There are people who took the same oath I did and they are in the sand and in the mountains risking their lives getting shot at and blown up.  So my life is gonna get rough, so what. I’ve let down and betrayed my family and friends, way the hell should I deserve better.  I’m a vet but in name only I didn’t do anything to DESERVE IT.  People thank me for being in the Army for having been in the Army and I feel ashamed, because I wasn’t.  When I was growing up I was a stpuid kid running around in the woods pretending to be a solider…this isn’t any different I was just a tired old man pretending.  Pretending I could be more than I am.  I deserve this I desevre worse.  I’m just so fucking tired.  I don’t know what it is about life that’s so friggin hard but I just can’t seem to get it right.  So many wrong choices(choices because I can’t fucking remember how to spell desicions and I’m supposed to be a writer-that’s supposed to be the one thing I’m good at, shit! what a fuck up.  I’m the Tom Cruise of life.  That my review of Tom Cruise, ok but he never did a part ten guys cold have done as well or better, and that’s me…the tin dog, fifth wheel, never did anything 50 other people couldn’t have done better.

Sorry I know I’m a pain in the ass, but I need to write it out of my head, it’s just so overwhelming now, th fear, the hopelessness, I’m just so fucking tired…and she’s not there…and never will be.  my jungle queen.  It’s from The Max, by the way by Sam Keith-big purple super hero, doesn’t matter.  there was a quote in it, he’s talking about This girl Julie-his jungle queen.  “For her…I could be a hero.”

I spent my whole life looking for her, my Julie, my Rose, My jungle queen…I think it may be too late now.

You know the story about L Frank Baum and Stephen King?  Baum was going to burn the Wizard of OZ and his wife saved it.  King threw away Carrie and his wife saved it.  So many great artists who never would have made it with out…her, without their jungle queen and I wonder sometimes if I’m the story of what happens if they hadn’t met that special someone.  I think it would make an interesting Bio.  How he failed and why I think it would be something people could learn a lot from, but no one would read it.  Peopel don’t like to read about the loosers, no one ever what’s to believe they are or could be THAT guy.  SOMEBODY has to be that guy…maybe it’s me.

I’m sorry.  I just wish someone could undrestand all this shit in my head.  It hurts so much, and I don’t mean the headaches.  I mean the pain in my head that makes me want to go to sleep and not wake up, the pain that makes me want it to just be over, the pain that reminds me every day I’ll never find her.  I’ll be the old lady living in a house full of cat’s that no one remembers because I’ve worn out all the friends who tried to help with bull shit like this.

It will get better, some how, but will it ever get right.  It just doesn’t seem like so much to ask the world, I tiny little corner to call my own, someone to share it with, to write and maybe, just maybe entertain somebody.  That’s a laugh…who’s gonna pay for shit I can’t get people to read for free for christ sake.

I’m worrying you and I’m sorry I really am I probably shouldn’t even send this, or I should put it on the fucking blog where no one but Coop will see and that’ll be like a week from now and it’ll all be in the past.  That whould be even more assinine though because by then No one will be able to get a hold of me and you’d all worry even more and you shouldn’t.  One I’m not for it and two I’m like a coachroach, I’m not that easy to kill.  And as much as I might want to fold my hand and walk away from a life that’s just becoming unbareable.  I won’t.  Because that would only make it worse, worse for the people I left behind and I’ve caused them enough trouble.  This is the closest thing I’ve got to a pill to make it better.  Writing it out and hoping that maybe, just maybe some one understands how muther fucking hard it is.

I’m just so fucking tired.

Surviving-one day at a time

I’ve been reading Gary Braunbeck’s Mr. Hands.  It’s a hell of a book, but painful, like Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door.  So much pain in the world, and this is just a piece of it.  A tiny little fictionalized piece of all the pain that fills the world day in and day out.


Sometimes it’s all just too much.  It part of way I’m no longer a soldier.  The Army decided I was too easily depressed, something like that.  It was an excuse really, my health was in the toilet and no one could figure out way and that was the easiest way for them to be rid of me.  I suppose it was for the best, the Army’s best any way.


Being a soldier isn’t a job you can do half way, not ever there is too much at stake.  I took an oath to do what was best for my country and for The United States Army so when it became clear that I was no longer able to do that job as well as it need to be done…I let them fire me, that’s not what they call it but that’s what it was.  And now not a day goes by I don’t have to struggle with that fact.


I took an oath to God and Country, the most important Oath any citizen can ever take…and I failed.  I swore to defend my country and I didn’t.  I am a Veteran, but it’s such a hollow thing.  I didn’t earn it.  I failed my country and every other soldier who ever took that oath and did their duty.


I have been suicidal because of it.  Probably the one thing that keeps me from giving up is that giving up would only make the failure worse.


So much pain and suffering in the world and so little we can do about it.  Humanity is capable of such greatness, such brilliance and we achieve such overwhelming evil every single day.  Murder, rape, child abuse…it just goes on and on.  Gary Braunbeck, Jack Ketchum, Ed Lee, brilliant one and all but, probably not what I should be reading these days.  I should be reading the Manly Wade Wellman that was recommended to me by a friend, a long time ago and I’ve been putting it off.  I should cleanse my pallet.  Maybe I will, but it doesn’t make the pain go away, hiding from it.  The world is still filled with the same horrors.  How to live with it?  How to make it ok to get out of bed knowing there’s practically nothing you can do.  What could ever possibly make it right.  People cry out to God, curse God blame God.  And why?  God-if he exists-created freewill.  And if he doesn’t, we still have freewill.  We cry out to gods to solve the problem because it’s easier to blame some one or something else.  Man created the evil I speak of and man is perfectly capable of stopping it.  People just have to choose not to be evil.  Insanity?  Maybe?  A tiny little piece of it, but the rest…freewill and yet the evil goes on and on and on.  Why?


Sorry.  It’s just been hard lately.  There is a better than average chance I may be homeless come Monday.  I’ve been House and Cat sitting for some people and come Monday they’ll be home and well, there really isn’t room.  It’s not definite quite yet, but it’s looking more likely as the days pass.  I have a couple of options but they’re maybe a little to far away.  If I seem to fall off the face of the earth for a while come Monday, that’s what happened-no more internet for…I don’t know could be a few weeks could be a lot longer.  I’ll have to wait and see.  Just trying to write some of it out. 

What a mess I’ve made of my life.  I apologize If it seems I’m feeling sorry for myself, maybe I am I really don’t know anymore, but I started this thing to be a kind of open book.  This is what it’s like.  The ups and downs of one struggling writer trying desperately to get better, to find an audience, to maybe entertain some people.  Maybe in some small way make the world a better place and some days this is what it’s like.  Actually quite often this is what it’s like and if this is to be any kind of useful record of the life of a writer who might some day make it, or might some day fail finally and miserably then you’ve got to take the good with the bad I suppose.  This is what it’s like today.  Didn’t put a loaded gun to my head today which is an improvement over some.  I guess the only real point is I survive.  I don’t know how, don’t know why, I just do and some days maybe that’s enough.    


What did you do…

Dude I know, brought up an interesting question in his blog about people participating in the commuity.  You should read what he had to say.  This is an expanded version of what I said.

The Army teaches 7 Army Values. Duty, Loyalty, Honor, Personal Courage, Integrity, Selfless Service and Respect.

Technology wise The US Military is one of, if not the greatest force in human history. If each and every member truly understood, lived and breathed those 7 Army values they might be one of the greatest moral and ethical forces in human history.

So many people Talk values and commandments. So few really truly LIVE them.

They want things to be easy, to be done(by someone else), to be right. They look to God and or the government to make it all right.

I think the answer to the question is that people have to understand if we are here for a reason, it isn’t to live in a better world, it’s to build a better world. Not just watch it be built but to roll up our sleeves, get our hands dirty and do the hard work of making the world a better place when you leave it than when you came into it.

What if? What if God asks a sinlge question when all is said and done, nothing more?

What did you do to make it better?

What would you say?

In may experiance people are always looking for easy.  Myself included.  I suppose if you’re an atheist then that’s completely justified.  You figure this is it.  Make the best of it while you can.  But…if that’s the way you what to play the game, don’t complain about the rules other people make.  They got to make them because for the most part they got up off their asses and did something.  Not always the right something, but at least they took part.  If you’re gonna watch from the sidelines, you give up the right to bitch.

If you can do better why don’t you?-insert lame excuse here.  It’s either worth the time and trouble to get involved or it isn’t.  If it isn’t shut up stop whining and just watch with the other spectators.

It’s the religious people I just don’t get.  I’m not beefing on any one religion it’s pretty much any of them.

They claim there’s an afterlife most of them and then the people who claim to believe sit on their asses and wait for Heaven on Earth.

Excuse me folks, while you try to have your cake and eat it too.  It doesn’t work that way.  Heaven is either the afterlife or it isn’t.  If it is…see my point yet.  It can’t be here AND there.  All this crying about why bad things happen?  They happen because this isn’t Heaven this isn’t hell it’s the place on the way and it’s self service.  It’s not the drive in happiness machine.  You can’t just park the car in the middle of the road and expect someone to bring you perfect bliss.  And yet, that’s what so many people do.  They sit in front of the TV bitching about the news, telling themselves they’re just as talented as the latest twit to be voted Mr or Miss whatever the hell the latest get famous quick show is, and they wonder why the world isn’t getting better.  They wonder who they can vote for or pay to go make it better for them.  It’s like sitting around waiting to win the better world lottery, trouble is no ones selling tickets.  They sell distractions and empty promises and sit back and relax cure-all the worlds pain gimmicks.  And people buy and buy and buy and buy.  Because it’s easier that way.  Easier then asking yourself what can I do to make the world a better place.  I’m not exactly pointing a finger at anyone or everyone, I’m as guilty as most, but at some point you have to ask that really scarey question…What if?

Jack William Finley/aka (Jack the)Ripper

What The Fuck?

  Yeah, so what in gods name is a Crush alert and why the hell do I have one in my blog?  I haven’t had my Migraine meds since I got out of the Army and that’s been weeks now.  Every cell in my head feels like a bubble full of electrical wiring with rats chewing on it.  I sware there are little elves with big hammers ponding on the back of my head.  And my computer is playing games with me saying something about somebody has a crush on you.  What the fuck?  This whole crush thing seems staggeringly unlikely, but I hit the thing anyway-and now it wants a cell phone number.  I have two cell phones, one got turned off and the other one is German because that’s where I lived for 11 months.  So now what?  I feel like I’m in High School again.  I wasn’t good at it the first time and I sure haven’t gotten any better at it now.  I am so too old for this shit!  And yet I still try  because-well yeah it has been that long.  Look I’m not whining, not intentionally at least.  Maybe it’s the headache the fact that I haven’t eaten in a while, hell could be a lot of things.  I’ll tell ya what though, you’ll jump threw a lot of hoops and grasp at a lot of straws when you haven’t had a date in basically 10 years.  It does thinks to your head even a migraine won’t.  It’s the kinda fucked up shit that leads people to put a loaded 38 to their heads and wonder-so just what would happen if they pulled the trigger.  Not me…I can’t do that anymore ’cause when you know the kind of people I know you can’t afford to take the chance they wouldn’t figure out a way to bring you back from where ever the bullet sends you just to kick the shit out of you for doing something so stupid.  Fair warning…you might not be seeing me at my best just now.  Not that it does you any good if you’ve come this far already, just saying this might not be the last rammbling middle of the night blog you’re likely to find around here.  I’m told by a number of people however that I’m not always such a bitter pill to swallow.  Of couorse they might have been lying.

And I still don’t know What the fuck a crush alert is?!