I’ve been reading Gary Braunbeck’s Mr. Hands.  It’s a hell of a book, but painful, like Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door.  So much pain in the world, and this is just a piece of it.  A tiny little fictionalized piece of all the pain that fills the world day in and day out.


Sometimes it’s all just too much.  It part of way I’m no longer a soldier.  The Army decided I was too easily depressed, something like that.  It was an excuse really, my health was in the toilet and no one could figure out way and that was the easiest way for them to be rid of me.  I suppose it was for the best, the Army’s best any way.


Being a soldier isn’t a job you can do half way, not ever there is too much at stake.  I took an oath to do what was best for my country and for The United States Army so when it became clear that I was no longer able to do that job as well as it need to be done…I let them fire me, that’s not what they call it but that’s what it was.  And now not a day goes by I don’t have to struggle with that fact.


I took an oath to God and Country, the most important Oath any citizen can ever take…and I failed.  I swore to defend my country and I didn’t.  I am a Veteran, but it’s such a hollow thing.  I didn’t earn it.  I failed my country and every other soldier who ever took that oath and did their duty.


I have been suicidal because of it.  Probably the one thing that keeps me from giving up is that giving up would only make the failure worse.


So much pain and suffering in the world and so little we can do about it.  Humanity is capable of such greatness, such brilliance and we achieve such overwhelming evil every single day.  Murder, rape, child abuse…it just goes on and on.  Gary Braunbeck, Jack Ketchum, Ed Lee, brilliant one and all but, probably not what I should be reading these days.  I should be reading the Manly Wade Wellman that was recommended to me by a friend, a long time ago and I’ve been putting it off.  I should cleanse my pallet.  Maybe I will, but it doesn’t make the pain go away, hiding from it.  The world is still filled with the same horrors.  How to live with it?  How to make it ok to get out of bed knowing there’s practically nothing you can do.  What could ever possibly make it right.  People cry out to God, curse God blame God.  And why?  God-if he exists-created freewill.  And if he doesn’t, we still have freewill.  We cry out to gods to solve the problem because it’s easier to blame some one or something else.  Man created the evil I speak of and man is perfectly capable of stopping it.  People just have to choose not to be evil.  Insanity?  Maybe?  A tiny little piece of it, but the rest…freewill and yet the evil goes on and on and on.  Why?


Sorry.  It’s just been hard lately.  There is a better than average chance I may be homeless come Monday.  I’ve been House and Cat sitting for some people and come Monday they’ll be home and well, there really isn’t room.  It’s not definite quite yet, but it’s looking more likely as the days pass.  I have a couple of options but they’re maybe a little to far away.  If I seem to fall off the face of the earth for a while come Monday, that’s what happened-no more internet for…I don’t know could be a few weeks could be a lot longer.  I’ll have to wait and see.  Just trying to write some of it out. 

What a mess I’ve made of my life.  I apologize If it seems I’m feeling sorry for myself, maybe I am I really don’t know anymore, but I started this thing to be a kind of open book.  This is what it’s like.  The ups and downs of one struggling writer trying desperately to get better, to find an audience, to maybe entertain some people.  Maybe in some small way make the world a better place and some days this is what it’s like.  Actually quite often this is what it’s like and if this is to be any kind of useful record of the life of a writer who might some day make it, or might some day fail finally and miserably then you’ve got to take the good with the bad I suppose.  This is what it’s like today.  Didn’t put a loaded gun to my head today which is an improvement over some.  I guess the only real point is I survive.  I don’t know how, don’t know why, I just do and some days maybe that’s enough.